Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from a friend. She’s got some tough things going on and wanted to talk.

This woman, whom I love, has some unique qualities. She tends to take a stand and fight against the policies of the companies whom she works with. Therefore, she often finds herself backed into a corner where she can either fall on her sword over the matter and end the business relationship, or give into the company and not get what she wants.

In these battles, she always has a point. Policies are created for the many and there are exceptional situations where a policy should be reconsidered.

She regularly considers her situation exceptional, demanding special treatment.

I bring this up because, in this conversation, I could have done a couple of things. I could have championed her viewpoint and rallied “Yeah! What they say is ridiculous” which would have been easy. I didn’t do that though, not because I really care about the policy but I know my friend was asking for more support than just this one matter.

Instead, I talked with her about patterns and what could be driving her behaviors and frustrations. Parts of the conversation were raw and painful and yes, there were tears from both of us.

I stepped into this (and didn’t avoid it) because this friend and I, for each other, are safe people.

Before the pandemic era, I hadn’t thought about the concept of safe people. I’d never really felt unsafe. But in the medically, politically, racially, economically and socially charged environment I found myself in, I started honing in on who I consider to be my safe community.

Then I set about consciously building more of them.

One thing that study of the Blue Zones (areas of the world where a disproportionate number of people live to be well over 100 years old) teaches us is the power of community. The research demonstrates that people in these locations who grow up poor have absolutely no idea that they’re poor and describe themselves as wealthy because they are rich with community. They don’t need anything else.

Safe people and a safe community is how you live a long, rich life.

What makes a safe person? It’s a complex answer but to me it boils down to pain. When you have a safe relationship, you can be in pain with someone. You don’t avoid your own discomfort and you don’t avoid theirs. When you or someone else needs support (hello depression, hello addiction, hello numbness, hello confusion, hello death, hello separation, hello illness, hello blame, shame, judgment, projection…) you step into the dark with them and they also do it for you.

Neither of you avoids hard things with one another.

Last week, when many of you wrote to me about why you keep drinking, your answers involved worrying about losing friends, what other people will think of you and not fitting into social gatherings.

If you are surrounded by safe people, that’s not a problem. You just don’t fear those things anymore.

But to attract safe people, you must become one first.

As I’ve built and continue to build a community around what I believe in, it’s most important to me that it’s safe. I won’t tolerate it any other way. Even though safe means not easy and not pain free.

If you haven’t joined the Creating Vibrant Energy community, please do! We’d love to have you. I just returned from a vacation so I’m back online and that’s the place for daily interaction with a group of safe women all working on personal growth and deep friendships.